A sad day in {my} history

Well first of all, it IS 9/11 today and I didn't even remember until right now... when I started reading blog posts made about this day, 9/11 which happened 7 years ago!(?) It got me thinking about what I usually tend to think about on 9/11.

This day is a day that I should remember for obvious reasons, but what I remember most when I think of 9/11 is the last time I saw Chad before his mission. It seems so insignificant compared to what was occurring in our nation at that time. But to my 18 year old mind it was the end of the world. He went into the MTC on the morning of the twelfth which means I had to say good bye to him on the night of the eleventh. Actually I had to say good bye before he got set apart. It was about seven at night and after he was a missionary, so I basically couldn't even hug him. It was seriously one of the saddest moments of my life up until that point. and probably still.

Chad and I had a somewhat [un]healthy relationship because we spent SO MUCH TIME together. I had NEVER felt anywhere near the amount of connection Chad and I had, with any other guy I'd dated/known/crushed upon/met etc. Chad and I "dated", more like "lived"with each other for nine months leading up to the day he left on his mission. The morning of the eleventh I woke up with a pit it my stomach and a knot in my throat. We had already planned on spending every possible second with each other, I was helping him pack up his apartment and get all the last details together. We were just planning to soak each other in, and really enjoy this last day, for two WHOLE years, together.

I remember driving up to his apartment first thing in the morning, with my homemade blanket in tow. I heard something about the twin towers being engulfed in flames on the radio. At that point I didn't even know why or (to be honest) what the Twin Towers were (I sound so smart--I know), so I really was not too concerned. Chad mentioned it to me when I got there. He said something like "crazy huh!?" and that is the extent to which I remember 9/11 in the terrorist sense.

I really don't remember too much of the rest of the day either. I just remember getting in trouble for not being ready on time for the setting apart, and being slightly irritated because we had a lot to pack and it took us all day. I remember not realizing before that I would have to say my goodbyes then and feeling sad that we didn't take as much time as we should have to say GOODBYE, even thought it didn't feel like a "good" bye.

I was so heart wrenchingly sad.

I didn't want to say goodbye to the person I had spent every waking moment with. Goodbye to my best friend and confidant, climbing partner, dinner companion, star gazing buddy, my sledding friend and my warmth on a cold day. We really did do everything together.

When I drove out of the church parking lot after we sat on the grass and talked/tried to play a game/but mostly just tried not be sad, I literally felt like I was leaving my heart with him. I have never experienced another time when I felt this way. Of course I was so happy that he was going on his mission. It's the right thing to do and for that your sure to be blessed. But I was miserable too.

When I left I went straight home and cried in the hammock, in our front yard until my dad came and got me. He gave me one of those good Dad/bear hugs and consoled me for a while and said it was time to come in and go to bed. I'm pretty sure my Dad was slightly relieved to see him gone. He had a hard time when we were dating. Sorry Dad (I really mean that).
Then I picked myself up off the floor and went on with my life. It was okay.

And just for the record, in case your wondering. We didn't even talk about me waiting for him at all, we didn't talk about marriage, we didn't even admit we were dating. All I really knew was that he was the person I wanted to spend all of my time with. In fact, I didn't wait for him to get back--it just worked out that I could never love anyone the way I loved him. And same for him.

Every year when 9/11 rolls around, it's time to think about the terrorist attacks and the lives that were lost. It's also time to think about those that lived, like family members, who weren't in the buildings themselves but lost someone, therefore their lives are forever changed. This is a real tragedy. A horrific time in our history.

My personal tragedy is nothing more than that, a heartbreaking and sad moment for me(that lasted two years), when I thought I would never be whole again. But I am whole and I felt okay soon enough after he left. But that day was a darn sad day in our history and when I think of it I am always reminded of how much we really did/do love each other.

Sometimes it's easy to forget.