the last time

When Kaiya was very new, I read a blog post from a more experienced mother.

She was laying in bed with her two younger girls reading books, when her ten year old son came to talk to her.
She thought to herself: when was the last time I held him? He's too big for me to pick up and hold now, and I haven't done it for years. There had to be a very last time I held him in my arms. Did I take the time to hug him tight, smell his hair, memorize the way he felt in my arms? Did I know that this would be the last time I would hold my little boy?

As a new mother completely in love with this tiny person in my arms, I cried when I read this post. Seeing her perspective of watching your baby turn into an older, independent child changed my perspective. I realized that I would regret every minute I didn't take the time to stop and hold her, and appreciate this tiny human that was mine to love.

Last night I was resolved not to nurse Kaiya anymore. She's ready to be done, she just needs a little shove to move forward. So I nursed her this morning for the last time.
After I laid her down tonight without nursing, and I held her and cuddled her I realized that there would be no more nursing. I remembered that blog post and I cried. That was the last time I would ever nurse her. It was a very special part of our relationship that meant a lot to both of us, and all my special memories of nursing my precious baby flooded my mind. Her scent, her nuzzle, her cuddling close to my chest. Her sweet little face with her eyes closed. Her need to be near me.

There will be no more making new nursing memories, that time has past and will never come again. These memories, I will always hold close to my heart and love and cherish. That was a special time we had together. And now we are on to a new era, one that doesn't involve nursing. But one full of different moments that I hope to love and cherish and hold dear to my heart, just like these memories.

That tiny baby I held in my arms is no longer my tiny baby. I will no longer give her life, love and comfort from my breast. But I can hold her and love her and make new memories that I will treasure forever.

I thank the woman, whoever she is, that made that blog post. A large part of my goal as a mother, is because of her. I hope to take all the time in the world to smell the roses, they won't last forever. Just as the seasons change, our children change too. When the moment has passed will I have wished that I spent more time in it? Treasuring the time I have been blessed with, but can never get back?
At the end of my life I hope I can say that I took all the time I needed to memorize all the moments with my children. To relish in it and delight in the time and then to let more moments come and to take the time to treasure them too.

**postscript:
Yes we will have more children and we can make new memories with those children. However that exact moment with that child will never be again. That is why I feel that it is important to treasure the here and now. While it's still here and now, not look back and wish we spent more time in the moment that we will never have again.