lately I have felt like the worst mother (and wife) on the planet. I always have questions about my abilities as a mother (who doesn't?) but know that I can work through them, but lately I have had such a helpless, hopeless feeling about the heavy responsibility that comes with teaching our children to be good people in an increasingly bad world. Especially now that I am sending her out into the world and spend little time with her each day.
I have been feeling like that for the last couple of days and really couldn't get myself out of the dark place, where I felt all hope is lost; and there is no way that we can rise to the challenge of raising a healthy, happy, righteous, good, kind, loving, strong child.
Relationships are hard for me, my biggest challenge in life. The hardest thing I've ever done is try with all my might to raise a child to become all the things she needs to be to survive in this world, and I've only been doing it for three years. I struggle with patience, I struggle with kindness, I struggle with modeling the things that I would want her to do. I struggle from day to day to see her as she is. A SWEET, daughter of our Heavenly Father who is learning and exploring her environment, her surroundings and figuring out who she is.
Sometimes I see her as a stubborn three year old who refuses to do what I ask her because she wants to make me mad. Doesn't that sound insane? I know it is. She is just figuring out life, figuring out her limits and boundaries.
There are so many negative influences in the world and in order for me to teach her to be good, I need to be good myself. Sometimes I see her react to a situation the same way I would ( with anger), and I cringe. She soaks up everything like a sponge and I hate to think of some of the things she has learned, or is learning from me. It is so upsetting to think that she came to this earth so clean and pure, but because I'm not perfect, she is learning some of those negative things from me. It hurts to think of the negative ways in which I influence her. Sometimes I feel like if it wasn't for me she would be perfect.
Today after church as I sat alone with my thoughts, i was feeling hopeless, knowing that parenting is ridiculously hard, knowing that I don't know how to do it right, and that I don't want to do it all wrong; I said a prayer. I prayed to be able to find answers to my questions, to be forgiven for doing it all wrong. To be able to do it right.
Then I opened up my laptop, and turned to LDS.org for some help. I loved this talk. I found so many helpful talks, tips and words of encouragement. I often feel like every thing she does that is annoying or wrong is a direct reflection of what I have taught her, but this helped me to realize that we do our best, but realize that they have free agency too:
"However, a child, even one raised with great love and care and carefully taught, may choose...not to follow those teachings for a variety of reasons. How should we react? We understand and respect the principle of agency."
I also found (again) a new source of hope... I am not alone. Aren't those amazing words to know? I AM NOT ALONE! There is a such a peace that comes from knowing that no matter who you are, no matter where you're at in life, there is always someone who is there to help you, to carry your burdens and make them lighter. Even when you feel like you've hit rock bottom.
I can have more patience, I can have more understanding, I can help teach her the things she will need in this life to make it back to our Heavenly Father in the end. I CAN be the mother that I wish I was, all I have to do is rely on him. All I have to do is try my best and he will make up for the rest. All I have to do is love her, and gently guide her through this life always remembering that she is SWEET, she is special and that she is mine.
I hope that you were able to feel the love of our savior this sabbath day, and get the peaceful reassurance that comes form those quiet, pondering moments spent alone trying to figure out how to be more than we currently are. In the end that is what life is all about.
And...I hope you know, just as I know that you have a Heavenly Father that loves you and will guide you through this journey of learning and growing that we call life, just as he does with me. He loves you, he loves me and he is real and he wants us to be happy.
9 comments:
Thanks for this post Melissa! I think most mothers struggle with something along these lines at some point and you put it so beautifully. Isn't the gospel wonderful?!
I've been having similar struggles and then I had to give a talk on raising little children today and the topic haunted me all month. Seriously. But I came to the same conclusions and I am glad you are feeling better. I was thinking about posting my talk cuz it really helped me- maybe I still will. Anyway- just had to tell you we are on the same page. :)
Thank you Melissa, I can seriously relate. You are hard on your self because you are such a good parent and you do care so much. You are awesome, I LOVE YOU!
yes yes yes!!!
i feel inadequate, too. i want my kids to be good. and i know i am not always the best example of being patient, kind, loving and forgiving. i want them to remain faithful in this gospel because i know that this is the only way they will ever find lasting happiness and joy.
sometimes i think 'if my days on earth are limited, shouldn't i be trying my hardest every second of every day to be better, to improve?' as a mother and a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend? i don't wanna be thinking 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' in the next life. that will be too late. with that perspective, i find the patience i need to bite my tongue. when i feel myself getting upset or frustrated i think this and it dissipates. it puts things in perspective. i don't wanna regret getting impatient and not taking the time to rock my kids to sleep or talk with them because i need to get some measly chore done or because i wanna watch something on t.v. they will be grownups sooner than we know and we will regret those kinds of things.
nothing is too much if we have Him in our lives. He wouldn't give us more than we can handle. He has faith in us. we just need to have faith in ourselves. and i am afraid of the world and our children having to grow up and be in it. but all we can do is try to instill in them the qualities that will help them remain faithful and be righteous. we teach and then it is up to them to make the decisions.
For the record I see you as a great Mom, but I fully understand your frustrations as this is something that I have been feeling a lot lately. And my anger??? Wow, I really need to learn how to control that. It's funny to hear you say you sometimes think that Kaiya is purposely acting out to make you mad because I often feel that way with Eden...and that it was makes me most angry when I look at her misbehavior in that light. Thanks for posting this. I will read the talk you said.
wow you worded that so perfectly. I think I feel that way 80% of my days now that I'm a mommy (especially now that I'm a mommy to 3) how do you find the time and energy to do it all for your children? You are an amazing mom and often I find myself wishing I was more attentive to my kids like you are with Kaiya. Thanks for the thoughts and the great example.
I just wonder if our parents and grandparents had these same worries?! Or was it just easier back then cause you didn't really worry about anything. Who knows!! Being a parent is HARD!!! I was doing good for a while and just fell back in to a slump again. It is like a roller coaster ride everyday. Never know if it is going to up or down! I know you are a great mom and all we can do is try our hardest. In that book I blogged about it asks this question..."Does God love you?" of course our answer would be "Yes." the next question is "Would he let you jump off a cliff if you tried?" and of course the answer would be "Yes"again. "So then does he not love you?" "No, he lets us learn from our mistakes and take responsibility for our actions."
I can relate to this on so many levels! You expressed your thoughts so beautifully !
I think you are an amazing mom! and so in tune to Kaiya's needs and struggles!! You are awesome!
Isn't it so wonderful to have the Heavenly father that we have? He's pretty awesome.. Perfect even!
thanks for the talk. I was feeling that way last week freaking out about wondering if I would be a good enough parent too. But let's just give you two thumbs up, you are a fabulous parent to her and she is so lucky to have such a sweet and funny and kind, loving mom as you!
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